I've been troubled by a lot of little things for some time. Evidently, I miss some of the memos or I'm not in the circulation cue for the emails. But things constantly come up that everybody else seems to have come to understand based on access to key information that has eluded me. I've evidently arrived at that station in life where things pass me by. How come everybody else seems to know these things?
For example, just who the hell are the Kardashians?
Why does everybody seem to know who they are? I've become familiar with some of them. I know there is a Kim, and I think the rest of them are Kloe, Komet, Kupid, Donder and Blitzen, Dok, Sneezy and Dopey.
Was there an original Kardashian, a product of some kosmic mutation which provided the inherited trait for which all Kardashians are now famous, whatever the hell that is?
Does a Kardashian come out of hibernation every year, and if he sees his shadow we are going to have six more weeks of winter, so that we can plan for when to plant our spring crops?
If you are accepted as a Kardashian, do you have to pay annual dues, or is it a lifetime membership? Is there an entrance exam, and if so, is there any math involved?
If I come into contact with a Kardashian, is it infectious? Is simple handwashing enough or is there some more elaborate hygiene adviseable? Once a Kardashian, can it be cured?
If lost in the woods, can you improve your chances of survival by rubbing two Kardashians together to make a toasty fire?
Should the Kardashians be admitted into the European Union, or the North Atlantic Treato Organization?
Have you noticed that the rise of the Kardashians in the public popular media corresponds with the continuous decline of home prices? If the Kardashians stop doing whatever it is that they do, will the unemployment rate drop?
How much wood can a Kardashian chuck, if a Kardashian would chuck wood?
If I encounter a wild Kardashian, should I avoid making eye contact and slowly move to the side and away, or should I attempt to frighten the Kardashian by raising my harms up to appear as large as possible? How do Kardashians mark their territory in the brush? Who are these people?
I'll need a clue -- even just a few brief words, like, "ancient warlike tribe of gold diggers," or, "like cherubim and seraphim," or "your new masters in the age of fear to come," or "sculpted silicone."