Friday, October 21, 2005

Fat Flush and the Last Gasp . . . .

This is about the fat flush diet. If I can save just one person . . . .

Okay, so I am a pound or twenty or more overweight. It's okay. I am an American and I can afford too much food.

Nevertheless, I am now about to start week four of the "Fat Flush" diet -- the one that has been selected by my bride . She has, in response to my questions, pointed out to me that this diet will not only take extra pounds off rapidly, but more important it will cleanse me internally which is important for my continued good health. When I timidly suggested that I am naturally very healthy and maybe I wasn't all that dirty inside and it didn't show, anyway, she made that sad little smile that tells me I am a hopelessly uninformed husband as usual.

Anyhow, I've been cleansing and losing weight. At least I was losing weight at first. Now I'm just losing.

The key to this diet is not eating anything that makes life worthwhile. Then, cut out anything else that you can still put up with. What remains is a handful of worthless vegetation plus several glasses of concentrated evil called a "long life cocktail." You know how when the baby won't eat the nastiness on the spoon, you say "ummmmm" and pretend to eat it? It's in that sense that this stuff is a long life cocktail. Ummmmm. Long life.

After some days of this, I found that I had no energy, not even enough energy to whine about the lack of humanity in this diet. And my organs of elimination have been doing uncomfortable and inconvenient things for the past weeks. Of course, that's just the cleansing going on. So I'm told.

It get's worse. Last weekend, I cheated. I snuck out and had the cheeseburger of my constant dreams. Hell, I approached Burger King with the same reverence some offer up to the Vatican. But, it just wasn't good and I finished the burger only out of sense of obligation to the starving childen of India I heard about in my youth. So, it's official.

I've lost my taste for food.

And now I notice that when I get really hungry, I can't think of anything I want to eat. I don't want to eat anything.

I've lost the will to eat.

In fact, I've lost the will to live.

It's probably only a matter of days before I'm pronounced dead from acute disinterest. But I'm pretty sure the coroner will be impressed by my internal cleanliness.


pilot said...

It is important to make sure that not only your body cells are cleaned in the result of this sparing diet but the intercellular space [spatium intercellulare] is purified as well. This can be accomplished by means of one more schedule.

Last week I've discovered yet another regimen which brings an incredible results. Note--know your initial weight or the diet will take your breath away, like Singapur's vacations accompanied with SARS. I just completed the course, courtesy of the local restaurant. I'm sure my system (bones stay anyway) is squeaky clean by now.

My grandma was right; while a thin person is dying, a fat one is only drying.

pilot said...

...That's right, the spelling is Singapore.

It's not a matter how much food we can afford to buy; we need to know when to stop... eating, for example.